Saturday, 14 May 2011

Bendanarama And Leila Live-Blog Eurovision!

So, last year, completely randomly, my friend Leila and I ended up in an enormous facebook thread about the Eurovision song contest, as it was happening. This year, we decided to do it again. And midway through, Bexychan's sister Inky turned up!

I've tried to edit this into something semi-readable. I may have failed.

Opening

Bendanarama: Well, I've got a horrible feeling that opening performance was the highlight of the evening.

Leila: XD Hah hah! That was a catchy version of Satellite.

Bendanarama: Catchy like Syphillis.

Finland

Leila: Is Finland the result of Justin Beiber and Jedward colliding and giving him music lessons with Mylie Cyrus?

Bendanarama: You know I was just thinking that

Bendanarama: Bexychan think's he's sweet. I want to stab him.

Leila: He looks like the kind of boy you'd bring home to meet your mother.

Bendanarama: He looks like the kind of boy you'd bury in a shallow grave.

Bosnia and Herzegovina

Leila: What's Bruce Forsythe doing singing maths?

Bendanarama: Oh Dear sweet Jesus.

Leila: Is that dancer meant to be there?

Bendanarama: A Guy that age singing about going to school usually involves promises of candy and a windowless van.

Leila: AH HAH! Someone mentioned he looks like Eric Idle! It's almost uncanny!

Bendanarama: This event hasn't been the same since Terry Wogan stopped taking the piss out of it.

Bendanarama: and I never thought anything would make me miss Terry Wogan.

Denmark

Bendanarama: Are they Mass cloning Jedward Now?

Leila: I was just thinking that - they obviously share a stylist.

Leila: And got the same singing instructor as Finland. It sounds too much like his.

Bendanarama: This is Bitterly Torrid.

Bendanarama: It's like, Busted level rock.

Leila: Even Busted had more fire in them than this.

Bendanarama: I do hope it's not all gonna be songs about hope and love. Those suck. Give us death and destruction.

Leila: Bring back Lordi!

Bendanarama: YES,

Bendanarama: HARD ROCK HALLELUJAH!

Leila: BLOOD RED SANDMAN!

Leila: Four songs in and nothing decently bouncy and cheesy yet? Are they actually taking their entries seriously this year?

Bendanarama: You're implying they EVER take it seriously.

Lithuania

Bendanarama: Bexychan: "Generic Eurovision Diva."

Leila: Laila: "Kate Bush"

Leila: Is she subjecting the poor deaf people to her singing as well?

Leila: I'm still waiting for her to go into Wuthering Heights.

Hungary

Leila: Retro pop? Big light up jewellry? NOW WE'RE TALKING!

Bendanarama: ‎"Big Light-up Jewelery." There is no god.

Leila: My mum has a ring that size.

Bendanarama: I choose not to make a rude joke at that statement. I hope you appreciate this.

Leila: I am disappointed you didn't take the bait, Bendanarama.

Leila: Okay, so far, Hungary has impressed me.

Ireland

Bendanarama: KILL THEM. KILL THEM WITH FIRE.

Leila: THEY WILL BLOW UP THE STADIUM WITH THE AMOUNT OF HAIRSPRAY IN THOSE BOUFFANTS

Bendanarama: GRAHAM NORTON LIES.

Leila: HE'S IRISH, OF COURSE HE'S GOING TO SUPPORT THEM.

Bendanarama: Well Shit, Nietzche was right.

Leila: Lady Gaga called, she wants her wardrobe back.

Leila: In fact, I'm imagining Lady Gaga singing this now. So much better.

Bendanarama: Did no-one in Germany think to bring a fucking sniper rifle? No-one?

Leila: Apparently not.

Bendanarama: Everything about this evening thus far has been a hideous abortion of music.

Leila: Shit, the Eurovision facebook is exploding!

Bendanarama: I'll take your word for it.

Leila: It took me the whole song for my comment to get through!

Bendanarama: If only Eurovision would explode.

Bendanarama: In an Enormous fireball.

Sweden

Bendanarama: Oh Christ.

Leila: ‎.....I think I know him.

Bendanarama: This is like, the theme tune for the horribly deluded.

Leila: I'm sure he was dressed as a Pokemon on Thursday night.

Bendanarama: Bexychan: "POPULAR. LOVE ME."

Leila: Can I have his shirt?

Bendanarama: No.

Bendanarama: Just No.

Leila: Ah least he had the decency to have hot dancers.

Leila: Please?

Leila: Or one of his dancers?

Leila: Is he going to emulate David Blaine?

Bendanarama: Feel free to the dancers. Given your recent misadventures, I think they're right up your alley.

Bendanarama: or each others.

Leila: Hey, I can still watch :p

Leila: COCK GOES WHERE?

Estonia

Bendanarama: ‎"She's a big star in Estonia."

Leila: Holy shit, what is she wearing?

Bendanarama: Isn’t that like saying she's the best looking patient in a burns ward?

Leila: MAGIC!

Bendanarama: ‎...I wouldn't.

Leila: Eh, not much to comment on here for her.

Bendanarama: she has manjaw.

Greece

Leila: High hopes for Greece

Leila: Hope now wavering.

Bendanarama: I didn't know David Beckham was the greek entry this year.

Leila: This sounds like a funeral dirge crossed with a military march.

Leila: My Chemical Romance will be all over the cover for this.

Bendanarama: THE FIRES ARE RISING. THE REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN. VIVA LA RESISTANCE.

Russia

Leila: Oooo, okay Russia has my interest already.

Bendanarama: And Mine has already been lost.

Bendanarama: DIE.

Leila: Oh look, Kinicky from the T-Birds.

Leila: is the token black guy wearing a skirt?

Bendanarama: I'LL FEEL YOUR HEARTBEAT WHEN I RIP YOUR STILL BEATING HEART FROM YOUR CHEST YOU FUCK.

Leila: Now you see, this is appealing with the teen girl in me who collected A1 songs.

Leila: Actually, don't they look a lot like Blue?

Bendanarama: The teen girl in you, as I recall is still fairly similar to the girl outside you.

France

Bendanarama: So. this is the french favourite. Allegedly.

Leila: Ah, but the teen girl inside me wouldn't dream of getting kissed by drunk gay men dressed as Team Rocket.

Leila: Okay, I am impressed by France.

Bendanarama: That's a lie, and we both know it.

Bendanarama: We're twenty seconds in. I ain't holding my breath yet.

Leila: I dunno, he's holding interest so far.

Leila: And with his voice!

Bendanarama: Okay, I can run with this.

Bendanarama: It's a bit like Nessun Dorma.

Leila: Well done to the computer graphics geeks who did his backdrop for him.

Leila: I was trying to remember what it sounded like.

Leila: FIRE!

Leila: He gets my vote.

Italy

Bendanarama: Ooh, Italian Jazz. I'm sold.

Leila I want to sit in a smoky bar somewhere now.

Leila Ow, that note screeched a bit.

Ben Myatt That's Jazz, baby.

Leila I think I'd prefer that song if he didn't sing.

Leila: Okay, Switzerland are packing a cello. I'm curious now.

Switzerland

Bendanarama: That is the weirdest fucking green room in creation.

Bendanarama: NURBURGRING! ASTON MARTIN!

Leila: Something relevant to your blog now!

Bendanarama: That's the worst pitstop in history.

Leila: I feel they need some hula dancers there.

Inky His grin, on the bass, :D

Leila: WELCOME INKY!

Bendanarama: taking the piss out of shit TV is relevant to my blog

Leila: I want that background for a screen saver.

Inky THANK YOU ^^

Bendanarama: Na

Bendanarama: Na

Bendanarama: NAAAA

Bendanarama: NA

Leila: Her singing?

Leila: I'm more entranced by the background.

Bendanarama: Yes.

United Kingdom

Bendanarama: KILL THEM WITH ACID.

Bendanarama: dammit, why couldn't we get the Aston Martin.

Bendanarama: we get fucking rowers.

Leila: Go Blue Go!

Bendanarama: that sucks.

Inky I'm ashamed to say that Mam and Dad voted for Jedward...

Leila: Blame the English who are living in Germany

Leila: ‎......

Bendanarama: I'm feeling the cold fingers of another shit year already.

Inky: I would like to make it clear that we had no part in that

Leila: Oh dear Inky Oh dear.

Leila: What? Why? This is a good song!

Leila: Ah, this sounded better on single than it does live.

Bendanarama: I'm not quite sure how to feel about this,

Inky It's not very catchy D:

Leila: I like it!

Bendanarama: Your definition of a good song and mine are startlingly different, arent they?

Leila: You only just twigged this?

Bendanarama: like a flying knee to the testicles.

Bendanarama: WORST. PYRO. EVER.

Leila: Seriously, the studio version sounded so much better.

Bendanarama: That's like saying Herpes is better than Gonnorhea.

Moldolva

Bendanarama: oh, dear sweet jesus.

Inky: oh god

Leila: ‎*is currently laughing and pointing at the TV* GNOOOOMES!

Inky: I love the flying spinny gnomes in the bg

Bendanarama: I wasn’t aware ripping off the strokes was acceptable in Eurovision this year.

Leila: Oh look, as if they don't look mad enough, have a fairy on a unicycle!

Bendanarama: ‎...

Bendanarama: actually... this is pretty catchy.

Bendanarama: it's gnome-ska.

Leila: ‎......

Leila: I can NOT stop laughing.

Leila: ‎....he has a monocle!

Bendanarama: MONOCLE.

Germany

Leila: Has Germany got sperm for dancers?

Bendanarama: How far are we in? I don't have any booze, and the evening is starting to blur.

Leila: 16‎ songs in.

Bendanarama: I would.

Bendanarama: Definitely.

Leila: Germany's returning champion in to defend her title.

Leila: I'm sure Bexychan would too.

Leila: Geez, how skinny is she?

Bendanarama: Bexychan here. All I have to say on the matter is BOW CHICKA BOW WOW. Gotta love me some sexy Germans :D

Leila: This is reminding me of an 80s song.

Bendanarama: ‎"Taken by a stranger." We're back to windowless vans again.

Romania

Leila: Whoo, County Durham boy for you Bexychan!

Bendanarama: ooh, it's Bexychan and Inky's local boy.

Inky Aw yeah :D

Leila: Traitor, singing for another country

Inky Apparently he's been living there for about 5 years

Leila: Okay, this is kinda peppy.

Bendanarama: SEND HIM TO THE TOWER.

Leila: Anyone else bopping along?

Bendanarama: No.

Austria

Bendanarama: And Austria's latest horrific contribution to the world is...

Leila: Okay, an A Capella start sounds interesting.

Leila: Alexandra Burke?

Bendanarama: And she's already up there with Hitler and Fritzl in terms of Austria's exports.

Inky: Not too bad, got me swaying along

Leila: Eh, it's not grabbing me.

Azerbaijan

Leila: Running scared? Think they're confident?

Leila: Somewhere only we know, somewhere only we know~~

Bendanarama: Who let Azerbaijan's cheap clone of J-LO in?

Bendanarama: IF this doesn't end with live fucking on stage I'm disappointed and they have lost my vote.

Bendanarama: VOTE. LOST.

Leila: Looks like they lost your vote.

Leila: And they're supposed to be the favourites this year.

Slovenia

Leila: I want her gloves.

Bendanarama: That eurovision heart looks a pair of throbbing testicles.

Leila: ‎*covetting those boots*

Leila: Can I mug her for those boots?

Bendanarama: Seriously, enormous pair of nuts.

Leila: I'll catch them the next eyecatch.

Bendanarama: sure. go wild. just make sure you kill them all.

Leila: I think each of them has an item of clothing I want. Easy enough.

Leila: You must have a weird pair of nuts.

Iceland

Leila: Iceland isn't too bad.

Bendanarama: I can run with this one.

Bendanarama: Is that James Corden?

Leila: Could very well be

Spain

Bendanarama: Spain will suck. They just will.

Leila: I'm dancing already.

Bendanarama: Yup. Sucks. Balls.

Leila: I quite like this.

Leila: This is a nice light hearted summer song.

Bendanarama: You Would.

Ukraine

Leila: Did he just say Ukraine's Got Talent?

Leila: ‎!! I recognise the sand artist!

Leila: She skinned a poor bird for her dress!

Leila: That artist is so awesome.

Leila: Okay, hands up if you paid more attention to the arty background as opposed to her singing?

Inky: Was mesmerised by the sand painting that I ignored the song

Inky: Yeah, that XD

Serbia

Leila: ‎....

Leila: I'M SOLD.

Bendanarama: I see Serbia are catching up to fashion trends sixty years too late.

Leila: I want the green dress

Inky: Ok, this one is great

Bendanarama: And I want to drink until I'm unconscious. I guess we're all losing today.

Bendanarama: OH GOD THE BACKGROUND IS GIVING ME A FITESOFJ{AOFJOAHFOHFDS{AOF

Leila: Who needs alcohol when that screen is enough to send you loopy?

Georgia

Leila: Georgia are dressed interestingly.

Bendanarama: Oh God. I smell sweat and despair

Leila: Flashing lights? Haven't there been enough already? Why warn now?

Leila: NEEEEEXT

Bendanarama: WINNING.

Leila: It's Linkin Park rehashed.

Bendanarama: Georgia does Linkin Park!

Leila: With Amy Winehouse on vocals.

Bendanarama: FUCKING SOLD. MY VOTE IS GIVEN.

Leila: I'm sticking with France this year.

Leila: I might like this song if it was a gravelly male voice.

Bendanarama: Yes. Just. Fucking. YEs.

Inky: The skirt of her dress is awful.

Into the Voting

Leila: So Inky, who are you voting for?

Inky: Moldova :D

Inky: Parents have voted for Ireland, Italy and Romania

Bendanarama: Georgia. It's on.

Leila: France, Russia and Hungary.

Leila: I will be very sorely disappointed if France doesn't get top 3 at least.

Bendanarama: georgia, iceland, moldolva.

Bendanarama: Bexychan is having a freakout. Graham Norton is talking on the TV AND ON HER PHONE.

Leila: XD

Bendanarama: WINNING.

Leila: Why is there a Turkey flag there? Turkey didn't get into the final.

Leila: How many UK voters will have voted for Jedward, you think?

Bendanarama: too fucking many.

Leila: This is going to be interesting.

------


And in an update, Azerbaijan went on to win. Despite the lack of on stage fucking. It was a entertaining year, despite a severe lack of booze, and it was mainly tolerable because I spent most of the evening sitting there taking the piss out of it.


2 comments:

Rebecca said...

You douche, why have you referred to me as bexychan? I'm not bexychan, I'm just bex!

Ben Myatt said...

Because, as your huband, I can.