A new Bendanarama feature.

Since I tend to trawl the internet for random clips, I figured I'd begin a new, and highly entertaining feature on this blog:

Things Racing Cars are NEVER meant to do!

THis week, I went on the internet and found these clips, illustrating that Racecars, deapite having wings, are NEVER meant to FLY.

Firstly, from the Formula 3 Macau Grand Prix, earlier this year, Wayne Boyd Shows his piloting skills. Unfortunately, he's still in a Hitech Racing F3 when he does:



And Our classic clip, from ten years ago, at the Le Mans 24 Hours, Peter Dumbreck decided to give his Mercedes-Benz CLR-GT1 a rather unorthodox mid-Track Aerodynamics test:



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And thus, as we can see above, Racing cars are NEVER meant to fly.

My Ultimate Racing Game.

Well, the new F1 game is out for the Wii. Seeing as I don't HAVE a Wii, I'm still playing F1 2005 (and getting absolutely trounced) on the PS2. And since I havent done a blog entry in a while - Primarily because it wasn't until earlier in the week that the Left 4 Dead 2 demo expired - I started thinking about the features I would want in my ideal racing game.

I was very Bored.

I will also note that most of these are probably impossible with todays technology. But its my fantasy, so fuck you.

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BEN'S IDEAL RACING GAME!

1) A Race Director mode that doesnt suck.

For those of you who've played Gran Turismo 4, you'll get this one. the Race director mode is completely devoid of atmosphere, consisting of a screen with statistics. Give us an interactive pitwall. It'd be awesome! Plus, imagine the ramifications for multiplayer - You could have teams of three or four, depending on the amount of drivers, with one guy Controlling all the strategy from the pitwall, and the others driving. It would also be awesome to be able to turn around and see the pit stop go ahead in real time from the team principal's perspective. With voice comms, this would be a truly epic way to play.

2) Full race grids for online games.

Come on, this can't be that difficult, can it? I don't want to race 6 people online, I want to race 23 other cars.

3) Qualifying and practice online.

Again, while its possible to have a full enght race online - I can do it on Toca Race driver 3 - generally, there arent any qualifying or practice sessions. Why the fuck not? I guarantee you, F1 Fans dont want to be dropped on some random point on the grid, they want to try and earn pole position. Similarly, if they have to set the car up, they need to know that those settings work.

4) Fuel incidents, and realisitic damage.

Did you watch the Brazillian Grand Prix? Did you see what happened to Kimi Raikonnen? If not, allow me to refresh your memory:



A similar incident occurred to Tony Kanaan at the Indycar race in Edmonton:



Now, given the level of today's technology, surely it cant be too difficult to create fuel incidents like that? it could even be a mini game - F1-05 already features interactive pitstops. Just imagine, trying to get the fuelhose off without burning off the drivers face. And imagine if a car had a fuel leak on track. Your chasing another car. he suddenly starts to slow down, then WOOMPH. Fireball. And then you have to avoid your face getting burnt off. Fun for the whole family.

And whilst were at it, can developers please find a balance between INVINCIBLE CAR OF ADAMANTIUM and EXPLODES IF YOU BREATHE AT IT. F1 cars may be delicate, but they can take more of a beating than Toca 3 allows. Similarly, They are not so tought that you can drive them straight into a wall witbh no damage, as F1-05 allows. Now, I've looked at the fottage of recent games, and they tend to lean towards Explodey. According to most games, bigger damage is better.

No. Just stop. Realisim, please.

5) A balance between hardcore sim and arcade racer.

Admittedly, games are getting better at this, but we do need to find that balance. It needs to have some semblance of a challenge. also, AI drivers that don't stick like glue to the racing line would be great. kthnxbai.

6) AI cars that actually retire, and Safety Cars.

Please. No more yellow flags forever and no more AI cars that react like a brick wall. Have them experience some severe damage, and occasionally bow out of the race. if theres a severe pile up on lap one, have a safety car some out while the debris is cleared in real time. In fact, animate the marshalls clearing the track - it gives the more sociopathic gamers among us something to aim for.

7) Updateable cars.

Make a game with the base model cars for that current year. Then allow people to upgrade them throughout the season. let them put different things on and see what effect it would have. it would be FUCKING AWESOME.

So yeah, thats my ideal game. Its probably not physically possible.

But I'd buy it, and I'm willing to bet, with some of these features, a good portion of you would too.

Left 4 Dead 2: The Demo.

I never played Left 4 Dead. I wanted too. I even downloaded the demo. But I never got round to playing it, and unfortunately, it had a time expiration on it. I'm not that big of an online gamer, but seeing how this game is something of a phenomenon, when I saw that the demo for L4D2 had been released, I jumped at it.

And Jumped.

And carried on jumping.

Lets just say that Left 4 Dead 2 is very atmospheric. The demo runs through the first two chapters of "The Parish" Campaign - The waterfront and the park, respectively. Set in New Orleans, the Demo starts on the jetty at the docks. Apologies for the quality of screenshot, The game autmoatically selected the best settings for performance, and I don't have a high-end machine.

Anyways. After the ship's captain has dropped you off, its up to you to make your way up that ramp into New Orleans proper. And almost immediately, you encounter infected. Now, the basic level infect is pretty much cannon fodder at the start. There's a weapon spawn right at the start, and The Director - Thats the name of the AI that controls the action - saw fit to leave a shotgun and a machete right there from the off. So, on this playthrough, I had the immediate oppurtunity to start shooting some zombies in the head.
The shotgun, as was immediatley apparent, is a very satisfying weapon. A couple of shots, even glancing ones, can put Horde infected down. Heads Be a-poppin. Of course, the big weapon update for L4D2 is the inclusion of Melee weapons. Such as the machete.

I Like my Machete.
I Liked it a lot.

In fact, I like it so much, I named it Celeste. I sleep with it lying next to me. Just in case.

I've only really enountered one or two games before where Melee combat was this satisfying, and both of those games revlved around Melee combat - Dark Messiah of Might and Magic and Oblivion. But the Melee weapons in L4D2 are really satisfying to use. Theres a genuinely chunky feel to hitting the zombies with the melee weapons. Hell, on the first online playthrough I did, I fought my way out of a corner with just the machete - the Horde was upon me, and I did not have time to reload.

The waterfront section was mainly confined streets, funneling the infected towards you. Of course, theres always the odd super-infected, like the spitter. This lovely lady spits Acid. yes, Acid. She is a pain in the arse. And on the playthrough I did to get these screenshots, she was also the one I encountered the most.

Things really started heating up when I got onto the second, chapter, however, and started making my way through the park. Because who should I encounter, but a new variant of an old favourite from the first game: The Wandering Witch.

yes, she's back, ladies and gentlemen, the Bane of survivors everywhere. But now, she doesn't just sit down crying like an emo bitch waiting for her next Linkin park gig, oh no. Now, she wanders around, just asking to stumble into the crossfire of the survivors.

Like this: I took down a normal zombie with my shotgun.

Just as a witch wandered past the statue in the background.
Which resulting in this:

OH SHI-

Thankfully, I survived the attack, and got back to it, working my way through to the demo's Crescendo event: A desperate rush to a tower to shut off an alarm that was attracting every zombie within 2 square miles. My ammo was starting to runa bit low at this point.

Thankfully, Celeste came to my rescue:

...A Lot:
...Okay, I just really like hitting things with machetes, okay? Jeez. anyways, after that alarm was silenced, I made may way out to the bus shelter near the last stretch of the demo. seeing that the courtyard was full of zombies, I fired a burst from my recently acquired AK47.

Of course, I'd failed to take into account that, from a distance, the Wandering Witch looks like a regular zombie stumbling around.

MOTHER FUC-

In terms of whether or not I'll be getting this game: Yes. Even though my computer can't really do it justice, I loved every minute of this game. The Director really gave the game an edge over the competition: Every time I played through the demo, it went differently. At one point I even just camped in position for a while - and the AI started sending super-infected after super-infected after me. The charger is especially a pain - as the name suggests, it charges you into the wall and then pounds you on the floor. The Jockey is more irritating than dangerous, although in big-horde situations it can cause problems. The most tactical one - thinking ahead to the Versus mode in the full release - is probably going to be the spitter. The acid caused genuine problems for me throughout the demo, and the spread area is an utter git in choke points and narrow confines.

My steam ID is Bmyatt_uk. Feel free to join me.

-Bendanarama

ROFL.

To the guy who turned up on my blog looking for "porno hiht horse:"

Guess you were REALLY looking in the wrong place, huh?

Jenson Button - Champion in waiting?

Okay, so I don't often do sports analysis, but I wanted to point out some things after listening and reading last weeks buildup to the Japanese Grand Prix at Suzuka.

Last week was a good example of how NOT to be influenced by the media hype surrounding Jenson Button at the moment. A huge amount of the media focus last week was focussed on how button, by gaining five points more than his teammate Rubens Barrichello.

Now, that sounds like an easy task, but in truth it wasn't so, and for several of the following reasons:

1) The BGP-001 was never going to be the strongest car at Suzuka. It's a low downforce circuit, and a much colder circuits than those white-and-green cars like. A brief explanation on the cold: F1 cars are all about grip. you can have the best engine and aerodynamics package in the world, but if you can't put all that power and aero performance through those four pieces of rubber on the track it doesn't mean a thing. And one of the things that affects that is tyre temperature. The warmer your tyres are, the more grip you have.

And the Brawn GP cars very much like the warmer weather. The car itself is very easy on the tyres - its why they were so strong on the circuits in hugely hot weather - but when they're on a circuit where they need to get the heat into those tyres by force, they just cant seem to do it.

What this adds up to is a huge drop of pace on the initial part of the race. It wasn't until much later on when Button began to equal the pace of the race leaders - and in a sport where the spread between the racing pack's lap times is three-and-a-half seconds, that isn't nearly enough.

2) Five points is a very big gap to maintain. Given that Button and Barrichello - the two main championship runners (even after Vettel took a chunk out of button this week) are driving the same car, it's an incredibly difficult task for Button to Gain five points over Barrichello. Only in couple of races have the cars been more than 2 places apart. With Barrichello on a resurgence since the European Grand Prix in Valencia, beating him out by five points was going to be near impossible. As it was, Button Prevented Rubens from getting more than a point over him.

3) The Red Bulls were going to be strong at Suzuka. Its the kind of circuit the RB5 excels on, and with Vettel setting pole on qualifying, the one worry is that he's put himself into a championship position that Button and Rubens both need to defend.

All of this, combined with a poor start off the line, led to Jenson Button NOT winning the title in Japan. But what it made much more likely was Button, like Lewis Hamilton last year, winning the title at the Interlagos circuit in Sao Paulo, Brazil.

Here's my thoughts on this:

1) Brazil is a Hot circuit. Barring the patchy rain we saw in the season finale last year - which handed Hamilton the title, as Timo Glock forgot to chenge his Toyota's tyres to the Intermediate weather tyres - the weather will be somewhere in the 30 degree mark in full sunshine, with 18 degrees or so for clouds. Wet weather changes any formula one race, but lets go with the theory of it being dry for now. all this equals - yes, you guessed it - Higher tyre temperatures.

2) The track is smooth - making it a faster circuit for those, like Button, who are easier on the tyres.

3) The RB5, though arguably the best track in the field, has suffered from reliability problems on hotter tracks all season. if Vettel struggles with eavena fraction of these, it makes it a two horse race between Button and Barrichello.

4) Button is currently 14 points ahead of Barrichello and 16 ahead of Vettel. At Suzuka, to become champion, Button had to GAIN five points over Barrichello. at Interlagos, all Button neds to do is remain WITHIN four points of Barrichello and within six points of Vettel.

If Jenson goes into the last race with a ten point lead, then he is the champion, because all either Barrichello or Vettel can do is tie on points with him. And if that Happens, it comes down to the amount of Grand Prix's won this season. Thanks to Lewis Hamilton and Kimi Raikkonen's resurgences, Rubens has won two Grand Prix with two left, Vettel has won Three.

Even if they tie on points, Jenson Button has won six Grand Prix with two left to take. Neither of the other contenders can win on Race Titles. They HAVE to outscore Button, and if Button has proved anything this season, its that he can defend that lead.

I just watched the replay of the F1 forum on BBC online, and Martin Brundle just pointed out that all Button needs to do is finish fourth at Brazil and he is guaranteed the championship.

He may not even have to do that.

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-Bendana.
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On a similar note, Congratulations to Colin Turkington on Winning the BTCC Championship.

A Genuine Rant.

Watching tv this evening, I see an advert for a product.

"But Ben," I hear you cry, "Tv is the natural place for advertising, unless you were watching the BBC, in which case it would be something for an oddity."

Yes, I fully appreciate that TV is the place for advertising, invisible blog reader people, but is TV really the place for advertising this?

Look. Be shocked.

Are.

You.

FUCKING.

HAVING.

A.

LAUGH.

HONEST TO GOD, WHAT KIND OF UTTER MORON DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO BUY CALORIE FUCKING FREE WATER?

Seriously, are you taking the fucking piss?

For God's sake.

I swear, if this company acheives success with this shit, the world will be over. It's all gone. You blew it up, you madmen!

The Rise and Fall of CGI.

I picked Batman Begins at Asda at the weekend, and as I was watching it on Saturday night, I remembered a story that Michael Caine related about the films development. He was watching a panoramic shot circling Batman, who was standing high on a gargoyle near the top of a skyscraper. He turned to CHris Nolan - the director - and said "How did you get CGI that good?"

To which Nolan replied:

"It's not CGI. We've got a stuntman standing up on the building while a helicopter circles him."

Now, the purpose of this story is not to relate the sheer coolness of the Batman Begins franchise - although its succeeded in making Batman cool again after Joel Shumacher's debacles.

The purpose of this little anecdote is to illustrate the attitude towards CGI in the film industry today. Where once CGI was a novelty, it quickly became a crutch.

Probably the origin of the CGI boom can be traced back to 1996's Independence Day. Whilst CGI had certainly been used before this point, the sheer scale of its usage began to really take hold after this film. After all, who needs deep plots when you can blow up the white house on a weekly basis? Not to say I didn't enjoy ID4 - its a great film, and still holds its own today. But it set a trend where rather than merely using CGI to enhance a film, filmmakers started basing their films around CGI.

More followed. The disasterous 1998 Godzilla remake made the legendary king of the monsters into a Tuna Eating CGI Iguana.

More and more, the marketing of films seemed to revolve around the special effects rather than any actualy plot content. As I previously stated, CGI became a crutch to lean on rather than a tool to be used.

-Yes, I know I'm not giving many examples. Its been a long day.

And somewhere along the line, it began to lose the sheen it had gained from ID4. When you start seeing cities destroyed in every mother movie, soon enough it begains to wear thin. Gradually, CGI fell out of fashion with filmmakers - the notable exception being comic book movies, which, due to their nature, had to rely on the technological breakthroughs that CGI had brought.

Another contribution to CGI's fall was the more smooth integration of CGI into the movie. As it became more difficult to distinguish the computer generated elements from the film, its rapidly began to lose its allure. Its use was assumed, as illustrated by Caine's story, but it was no longer the focus. Gradually movies began to feature less about the special effects.

In some cases it became anathema to even point them out - more marketing effort was put into the fact that films weren't using CGI than those that were.

Perhaps CGI has finally ound its role as a filmmaking tool rather than the focus of movies.

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This pointless rant bought to you by:
-Bendana
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