Friday, 29 October 2010

The Fellowship of the Ring (Are Dicks.)

I have a secret shame that its taken me a long time t admit: Up until today, I did not own my own copy of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I just never got around to buying it. Thankfully, I rectified that today by getting the Special Edition Box Set on the cheap. Of course, that means I get to watch these epics all over again.

As I sat through Fellowship, I came to a conclusion:

The Fellowship of the Ring Are a bunch of utter Cocks.

To Explain:

Gimli: Racist against Elves. Also loud enough to get Caught by elves in the woods of Lothlorien. Also, goes out of his way to flirt with Galadriel. In front of her Husband. DICK.

Legolas: Racist against dwarves. Also an absolute dick because during the council he goes out of his way to be a shit to Boromir by essentially going "Oh, by the way, the ranger there? The guy with the long brown hair who you spoke to in the sword room earlier? He's your king, and you should just blindly do whatever he says even though you only met him an hour ago and he's essentially gonna take all the power your family have away from you. Oh and I'm gonna tell you all about despite him clearly stating he doesn't want to be the fucking king. yeah. Fuck you." DICK

Boromir: Do I really need to explain this one? Seriously? Sure he was getting influenced by the ring and the need to live up to his father, but seriously, Boromir spends most of his time whining like a little girl with a skinned knee and trying to eye-fuck the ring whenever it appears. Also, the whole "Trying to Mug Frodo for the Ring" thing. DICK.

Merry and Pippin: Sure, Boromir is a dick, but at the end, he sacrifices himself so that Merry and Pippin can get away, and bravely falls in their defence while they run... wait, you mean they don't run? They stand there lobbing rocks at the Goddamn Uruk-Hai, then get caught, thus negating Boromir's sacrifice and making him die for nothing? DICKS.

Frodo: Lets see, Mr Baggins. What did Gandalf specifically tell you not to do? Was it put on the ring? What do you do the instant you first get a fucking chance? Is it put on the ring? Of course it is. Also, how many times did Gandalf advise against going into the Mines of Moria? And which route do you instantly pick given half a chance? Also, after being told by Aragorn to run for it you then stand on the shore of the river cradling the fucking ring for twenty minutes while they're all getting their arses kicked so you can get away - at the end of the movie, you've only made it across the river when they catch up. Also, you nearly let Sam drown, you douche. DICK.

Aragorn: You nearly made it, heir of Isildur. you nearly survived this movie without being a dick. Then, the instant Boromir died, you tossed his body over a waterfall. but you didn't just do that, did you? No, you stole his stuff first. don't think we didn't notice those pretty new bracers you've got their, Mr Strider. DICK.

Gandalf: Oh, where to fucking start? This is an extensive list:

1) "Keep the ring in your undefended house Frodo, while I go and search out whether or not it's the one ring, in full knowledge that Sauron is searching for it."

2) "Despite having the ability to summon Giant Eagles, We still have to walk all the Goddamn way to Mordor" (Better know as the 'how it should have ended' dilemma.)

3) Here's how the conversation should have gone, Gandalf:

"We should go through the mines of Moria!"

"No, there's a Balrog in there."

"What's a Balrog?"

"A Giant Demon Made of Shadow and Flame."

"Pass of Rohan it is! Thanks Gandalf!"

How the conversation went:

"We Need to get off this mountain! We should go through the Mines of Moria!"

"We'll let the Ring Bearer Decide!"


You may have noticed Sam is not on here. Thats because he isn't a dick. At Any point. Someone made it at least.

Friday, 15 October 2010

Yes, I'm going to try and write this...

so, Its NaNoWriMo next month... And this is what I'm doing:

The Longest Day:

The Season has been long, the accidents have been brutal, the cars have worked long and hard, and the drivers even harder.
Now its come down to this – the final, most prestigious race of the international endurance championship: The Baker 24 hours. Mentally taxing, physically draining, the high-speed Baker Autodrome has claimed both careers and lives over the years with 5 miles of undulating turns and brutally fast straights.
Seeking to tame this beast of a track, four drivers challenge each of the different classes. Each has their rivals both in and out of their teams. Each will face the challenge of the Autodrome. Each will have to use all their racing ability to make it through their longest day.

Main Characters:

David Miller: GBR

Age: 38

Class: Prototype

Team: Miller-Davis Autosport (I)

Co-Drivers: Mark Davis (GBR), Richard Davis (GBR)

Car: DTR-001 prototype.


This is David Miller's tenth, and final, Baker-24. He has been a racing driver for nearly 20 years, and has dabbled with all forms of racing, from NASCAR to Formula one. The very definition of a gentleman racer, the one thing that has eluded Miller is the International Endurance crown – and the win in its illustrious 24 hour finale. He has entered the Baker-24 as the overall points leader, by a narrow 8 point margin over Yves Amrhein, the talented lead driver of the Bugatti Works team.

In his privateer team, Miller is running the exceptional diesel DTR-001 prototype. A thoroughbred racer, the DTR has already guaranteed David the independents crown, and its unique aerodynamic package has put Miller on the verge of his first Baker-24 win. But the car, after a season's worth of running, is fragile, and Miller – having already decided this will be his last year of racing – is obsessed with getting the overall win. With no spare chassis and with everything to play for, David and his two co drivers, Richard Davis and his brother Mark will have to give everything for the overall win.


Jaime Willis: USA

Age: 23

Class: GT1

Team: Aston Martin Racing USA (W)

Car: Aston Martin DBR9

Co-Drivers: Marcus Brauer (GER), Sebastian Fournier (FRA)


Despite a firm racing pedigree and a lot of experience in Lower formulae, Jaime's entrance to the Baker-24 has been treated coolly by the racing community. Looked upon as a PR stunt in the IES, her presence in the race is looked upon as little more than a pretty face to put on the billboards and flyers. Jaime is determined to prove herself as a firm contender in the GT1 class, but with the cameras zoning in on her and her celebrity lifestyle gaining her a reputation as a party girl, Jaime has to gain the trust of her team before she can hope to push her unfamiliar Aston Martin DBR9 to the head of the GT1 class. She has not competed in the rest of the IES season, and is purely in for the Baker-24 crown.

A TV presenter for a sports station in the states, Jaime's presence in motorsport is looked upon with a mixture of contempt and amusement, but her ability is not to be underestimated, with several National GT wins already under her belt. Despite this, very few in the Autodrome's paddock think she is deserving of a Works seat with the Aston USA team.


John Cox (GBR)

Age: 30

Class: GT2

Team: BMM Racing (I)

Car: Lotus Exige 240

Co-Drivers: Tomas Acklin (SWI), Daisuke Yakamoto (JAP)


Cox has pushed himself to the very edge this season, and it shows. Despite his stirling efforts, his team currently languishes 15th in the standings. With no chance of taking the class title this seasons, British-Malaysian Motorsports teeters on the edge of bankruptcy, with only one hope of salvation – the sponsorship and prize money that comes with winning the Baker-24.

Cox has been a Driving force behind developing the Lotus Exige as a GT2 class racer, but in its first season, the car has been off the pace until the last few races. In the penultimate event at the Circuit De Catalunya, Cox was able to take the class win through the car finally coming alive. His greatest hope is that the ability to save the soft-compound tyres the Exige showed at Catalunya will carry over to Baker.


Tom Morris (GBR)

Age: 25

Class: Touring

Team: Green Flag Motorsport UK (I)

Car: Ford Focus ST

Co-Drivers: Daniel Montgomery (GBR), Jason Kane (ROI)


Tom Morris has risen through the ranks of Touring Car Races for several years, taking his first British Touring Cars Title last year before making the jump to a Touring Class seat in the IES. His unique Hybrid Powered Focus ST tore into the ranks, but technical issues with it's KERS system have prevented it from dominating the class as much as its pre-season form indicated.

Morris has struggled to meet the demands of the endurance style in his first seasons, and has been forced to learn how to manage his tyres long term mid race, as opposed to the three quick sprints of a touring car race day. However, Green Flag has brought in two experienced drivers to back up his Baker-24 challenge. But the 24 hour race can make or break a drivers career and the rumour is that if Morris doesn't have a strong showing he could be finding himself back in the lower leagues come next season.