Friday, 29 October 2010

The Fellowship of the Ring (Are Dicks.)

I have a secret shame that its taken me a long time t admit: Up until today, I did not own my own copy of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I just never got around to buying it. Thankfully, I rectified that today by getting the Special Edition Box Set on the cheap. Of course, that means I get to watch these epics all over again.

As I sat through Fellowship, I came to a conclusion:

The Fellowship of the Ring Are a bunch of utter Cocks.

To Explain:

Gimli: Racist against Elves. Also loud enough to get Caught by elves in the woods of Lothlorien. Also, goes out of his way to flirt with Galadriel. In front of her Husband. DICK.

Legolas: Racist against dwarves. Also an absolute dick because during the council he goes out of his way to be a shit to Boromir by essentially going "Oh, by the way, the ranger there? The guy with the long brown hair who you spoke to in the sword room earlier? He's your king, and you should just blindly do whatever he says even though you only met him an hour ago and he's essentially gonna take all the power your family have away from you. Oh and I'm gonna tell you all about despite him clearly stating he doesn't want to be the fucking king. yeah. Fuck you." DICK

Boromir: Do I really need to explain this one? Seriously? Sure he was getting influenced by the ring and the need to live up to his father, but seriously, Boromir spends most of his time whining like a little girl with a skinned knee and trying to eye-fuck the ring whenever it appears. Also, the whole "Trying to Mug Frodo for the Ring" thing. DICK.

Merry and Pippin: Sure, Boromir is a dick, but at the end, he sacrifices himself so that Merry and Pippin can get away, and bravely falls in their defence while they run... wait, you mean they don't run? They stand there lobbing rocks at the Goddamn Uruk-Hai, then get caught, thus negating Boromir's sacrifice and making him die for nothing? DICKS.

Frodo: Lets see, Mr Baggins. What did Gandalf specifically tell you not to do? Was it put on the ring? What do you do the instant you first get a fucking chance? Is it put on the ring? Of course it is. Also, how many times did Gandalf advise against going into the Mines of Moria? And which route do you instantly pick given half a chance? Also, after being told by Aragorn to run for it you then stand on the shore of the river cradling the fucking ring for twenty minutes while they're all getting their arses kicked so you can get away - at the end of the movie, you've only made it across the river when they catch up. Also, you nearly let Sam drown, you douche. DICK.

Aragorn: You nearly made it, heir of Isildur. you nearly survived this movie without being a dick. Then, the instant Boromir died, you tossed his body over a waterfall. but you didn't just do that, did you? No, you stole his stuff first. don't think we didn't notice those pretty new bracers you've got their, Mr Strider. DICK.

Gandalf: Oh, where to fucking start? This is an extensive list:

1) "Keep the ring in your undefended house Frodo, while I go and search out whether or not it's the one ring, in full knowledge that Sauron is searching for it."

2) "Despite having the ability to summon Giant Eagles, We still have to walk all the Goddamn way to Mordor" (Better know as the 'how it should have ended' dilemma.)

3) Here's how the conversation should have gone, Gandalf:

"We should go through the mines of Moria!"

"No, there's a Balrog in there."

"What's a Balrog?"

"A Giant Demon Made of Shadow and Flame."

"Pass of Rohan it is! Thanks Gandalf!"

How the conversation went:

"We Need to get off this mountain! We should go through the Mines of Moria!"

"We'll let the Ring Bearer Decide!"


You may have noticed Sam is not on here. Thats because he isn't a dick. At Any point. Someone made it at least.

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